HERE WITH ME.
I had a feeling.
I didn´t met him right away, we wrote to each other by phone for almost a month. I met him in the most unusual way because it was through an internet application.
One day he called me and we talked for near an hour. Was nice to talk to someone who had the same language I had, I mean jokes, sense of things, perception.
He invited me to have dinner one afternoon and I said yes. The instant I saw him I liked him. Tall, blond, green eyers, very thin… beautiful ears, beautiful hands, intensive look. And the most amazing of everything was his voice. I had never met someone that made me feel all that. He was direct and gentle. The first date he tried to hold my hand.
I was excited and content, not only because I met him, but because finally after three years I had managed to meet someone I really liked, I truly liked. I should have known that this strong and sudden feeling wasn't going to be the best beginning.
He liked plants, motorcycles, japanese food, beautiful music… he enjoyed tea and coffee, as well as the beach and his work.
The second date he cooked for me, he invited me to his place and cooked rice and sashimi. I gave him a bottle of wine and tamales. And that day for an unknown reason he reminded me of my old lovers, the ones who broke my heart some years ago, the ones who had awoke my innocence into hard sad reality.
And I started to feel there was something “weird”.
He didn´t invited me out for a long while. I could feel there was something o someone else.
After a month he wrote again and invited me out. He took me to his place, which was annoying... was he trying to hide myself? was he trying to have an adventure with me?
That day he kissed me, was the second time. He said he liked me.
But then again he disappear for days.
The attraction was there, the nice communication, the strong something that you only feel with certain people. But there was also the absence, the distance, the not talking for days. And of course I wasn´t naive anymore, I knew it, he wasn’t, he isn´t he will never be.
I tried to stop it since the beginning, like the day we went out on his motorcycle, and I directly asked him if he had a girlfriend, and he said “not anymore”. I noticed he didn´t want a relationship with me, because he said he didn´t wanted to get married or any type of relationship. I tried to erased his number, but then he wrote to me on Christmas time, and I thought about giving him a second chance. I liked him so much! Is not easy to find someone you really want to be with...
And I gave him a second chance that he just wasted once again, to then disappear for as long as six months.
I was glad he was gone but there was not a single day without me thinking about him... yeah the usual reaction for a codependent person in response to sick relationships. But I managed to continue dating and having fun with the people I cared and loved. I've learnt to move forward, appreciate what I have and moving on.
Why didn´t I blocked his number?
I guess I wanted to have a proper closure, not just a ghosting good bye. Because you know? men are always back, not only to ask for your forgiveness or because they miss you... but for other silly reasons like curiosity, boringness or because they feel they can. They are territorial beasts.
He came back one day in September, while I was waking up after a beautiful relaxing night. My situation was completely different, since I had met a wonderful man that was calling every day, and making plans around me.
Anyway my ego was happy and relieved.
He apologyzed, he had lost his phone, he had looked for me, he said that once even went to my place!
Yeah... sure.. aha
I wasn´t born yesterday... but the truth is, I didn´t care.
I understood that thanks to his doubt I had continue dating and finally managed to meet a man that actually wanted to have a relationship with me: a healthy, normal and beautiful relationship.
But he didn’t stop there, his ego was hurt. I guees he was wondering why he couldn't date me or kiss me again if he did so before.
I got messages asking me out during night, he was always asking to see me the same day, always in a sudden appearance. He never planed a single date. He also sent whatsapps messages saying he was close or outside my door. Fortunately I wasn´t there, I was never there.
One day he finally said it. He was getting married.
Yes I was shocked.
People lie you know? Sometimes you overvalue people that at the end doesn´t appreciate who you are or simply doesn't perceive the same emotions you do.
I can only say I’m happy I wasn`t that naive anymore, to believe in him.
See? I learnt.
We can change, we can learn.
I ended the relationship. What ever type of relationship we were involved in.
We women usually have to do it. Men just let the time pass and time for men and women is certainly different.
I told him how hurt it was to know he had lied the whole time. He, of course, denied the lie. He said he wanted to be my friend, to invited me to his wedding!
I said it was over, I said we had shared some nice feelings and attraction, not a friendship.
He said nothing.
I erased his number, I blocked him.
I had my closure, it was important for me. It is important to say those things and to let people know how you feel and what they did to you. We shouldn't let people to treat us badly.
It doesn´t matter what they think, is about you.
It doesn´t matter what he thinks, is about me.
And I learnt once again that I suspected all this since the beginning and I deserved to trust myself more. I’ve learnt what a creative, lovely and smart woman I am. I also learnt that some men can actually see who I am, and they like to have me around, not once per month or once per six months, or only with their messages by phone, but to have me in person, every day, sharing my days, my problems, my spirit, my life.
Some men just want to be here, with me.
