Love yourself, modifying your lifestyle.
Female, 30's, Europe, single.
Teaser
Behind the porous curtains the sun is shining. It’s another bright day. I feel his body close to mine and his breath on my neck the moment I weak up. I never kissed the man before but I love him for a long time and yesterday night I told him. His hand is lying on my stomach. He’s still asleep taking deep and peaceful breaths.
We’re on a journey. The hotel room we reached late evening is pretty dirty. Cold smoke in the bed sheets and cockroaches in the corner. I never felt better or freer. At that moment I turn around to face him, longing for him as if we were separated. My moves raise him out of his sleep. Now he smiles and pulls me closer against my weak resistance before our lips are touching for the first out of a hundred times.
The amorous rapture and glances must be visible to everyone around but like lovers do we don’t care. We take our breakfast at an observation platform with the view down the hills to the beautiful white city in between lakes. The juice is more juicy, the air filmier and warmer. The wind caress my skin while a cable car brings us back to the lowlands afterwards. My new love sits beside me and holds my hand when my cell phone rings. It’s my boyfriend on the other end asking for my day. He is the one who cares for me since years, shares all my moods, my laughs, my tears. He’s my partner, my confidant. I have always been an open book to him. But now I set forced on this path.
And from one to the next moment my past is over. The woman with the cell phone is a stranger to me. She does wrong according to my good education, she cheats, she lies without hesitation. She lulls to him or to herself? She’s to blame for all upcoming tears and hurt feeling. Isn’t she? From now on she will feel guilt weighing tons whenever she’s with her so familiar friend. Never she feels guilty being with her new and married and unfaithful lover. She doesn’t break up.
It was 2008. I haven’t forgiven her till now.
So I start to reflect about moral: What’s my part, what’s my heritage? I sense how dependent I am. The solid structure softens while growing and changes its appearance. Did I put anyone at risk but me? If I acted differently would it change the outcome? How to value and what’s the highest good? If it’s love I can make my peace? If it’s being human can I make my peace?
A moral conflict is a teaser.
